


Soon the Dawn

by Starship21ZedNA9



Category: Stargate Atlantis
Genre: F/M, Friendship, Grief/Mourning, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Team as Family, Unplanned Pregnancy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-15
Updated: 2018-01-15
Packaged: 2019-03-05 06:29:16
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 10,989
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13382115
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Starship21ZedNA9/pseuds/Starship21ZedNA9
Summary: After losing Ronon and Rodney, John and Teyla do their best to pick up the pieces and continue on.  This is mostly a John and Teyla friendship fic.  I ship both McShep and Sheyla and I'm not sure this fic will make either of those groups happy.  But, I tried.





	Soon the Dawn

John stood ramrod straight. He was still in his dress blues, even though the funerals had been hours ago. One casket shipped back to Earth. The other to the mainland. The sun was dipping down over the water outside the window as he took in his surroundings. He slowly looked around the quarters he had shared with Rodney. The room was rapidly dimming with the sun. He saw Rodney's laptop on the desk, still lowly humming away. The 'I'm with Genius' t-shirt was still crumpled up on the floor where Rodney had tossed it three days ago. Coffee mug still making a ring on the nightstand.

'You're really not going to finish your coffee? You?"

"This is simple mission. We'll be in an out in an hour, tops. I guarantee it," Rodney replied as he leaned down for a quick kiss.

John heard the voices from only three days ago. So teasing and carefree. And that was just one out of a thousand and one memories in this space. It just happened to be the last one. If John had known, he would have done something. He would made him finish his damn coffee. He would have enticed him back into bed. Hell, he would have canceled the mission altogether. Kept his team safe in Atlantis. Kept them close. He wouldn't be standing here now, looking pristine in a mess of a room. 

He just couldn't bring himself to clean up. He hadn't even touched Rodney's things. He wouldn't put them away. Box them up and send them through the gate back to Jeannie. Packing away Rodney's clothes, his computer, his Star Trek novels would feel like erasing him from his life forever and John was nowhere near ready for that. He'd barely been able to let the coffin go when gate had sprang to life. 

He looked down at his hand and flexed it. Teyla's hand had been in his all through the services. They had barely looked at each other but stood side by side in support. Teyla had allowed silent tears to fall down her cheeks. Even the eulogies had been delivered together by them. John knew he wouldn't have had the strength to speak if not for Teyla standing next to him, so brave in the face of her grief. He had avoided the eyes of his friends. Elizabeth's concerned gaze, Carson's red eyes, Zelenka's shocked face. 

After all the words were spoken, he led Teyla away before anyone could speak to them. He'd walked her back to her quarters, hands still clinging to each other. At her door, she had turned to him. She gently leaned her head forward and he bowed his own to meet her.

"I will miss them greatly. I will always carry them with me," she whispered.

John screwed his eyes shut. He fought against the thick lump in his throat. He needed to be strong for Teyla. She was still his team. Even if she was all that was left. He managed to choke out an agreement just before she pressed her body to him in a tight hug. He stiffened in her arms but she refused to let go until he relaxed a fraction into the embrace.

When she finally pulled back, it was with a watery smile. She held his face and stroked her thumb across his cheek.

"Goodnight John."

"Night Teyla."

Her door opened and she went inside. John turned and fled before the door could close in his face.

Now, here he was. Back in their-his quarters. He began methodically taking off his clothes, leaving them in a heap with Rodney's discarded t-shirt. He lay stiffly on the bed and stared at the darkening ceiling until morning light touched it once more.

****

John thought about going for a run as he gave up on sleep. But, he'd always gone running with Ronon. Without the younger man there to egg him on, to laugh with, race with, well what was the point? He headed to the mess instead.

The sympathetic looks were easy to ignore as John sought out a table at the far end of the mess. He absently pushed his scrambled eggs around his plate. He didn't even notice when another tray was placed across from his.

"John?"

"Hey, Elizabeth," he mumbled. He didn't look up.

"How are you," she asked.

"I'm good," he kept his response clipped.

Elizabeth bit her lip. She stretched out her hand to take his, pulling back at the last minute. He patiently watched her internal back and forth. He could practically hear her debating with herself over what to say to him.

"And how is Teyla," she decided.

"I'm surprised you haven't asked her yourself."

"I will once I see her. I didn't want to interrupt her in her room. I understand that people need their own space to grieve."

He grunted in response, suddenly taking a much more keen interest in his breakfast.

"John."

"What, Elizabeth," he looked straight at her.

"They were your team. Your friends. Rodney was your..."

"I know all this."

"I'm just saying that if you need to talk, or if you need anything at all, I'm here. You're not alone. You still have me. And Teyla. Carson. We're all here for you and we all need to stick together."

John tightened his grip on his fork. He didn't want to talk about this right now. Or ever. What was there to say? He was meant to protect his team and he failed. Ronon and Rodney were gone and no amount of talking was going to bring them back. No amount of talking was going to help him.

"Elizabeth, I'm fine. Okay? Fine."

"We all miss them," she continued.

He scooted his chair back and stood. She kept her gaze on him, unflinchingly. She was never one to back down or to be intimidated.

"Yeah, I got it. I hear what you're saying. But, I'm fine. I really don't want to talk about it."

His words trailed off as he spotted Teyla entering the mess. She smiled and nodded with the people who approached her to offer their sympathies. He felt his pulse quicken. He was torn between wanting to go to her and wanting to flee. He chose the latter. Leaving his tray on the table, he walked toward the exit. He tried not to notice Teyla's hurt eyes following him.

****

Teyla tried to concentrate on meditating. In fact, she'd been trying to concentrate on it for several hours now. It wasn't coming to her. All the platitudes she had been receiving over the last week were becoming overwhelming. Of course she knew they all meant well but she was longing for some peace. However, suddenly the silence she craved was too silent. She found that she missed Ronon's presense during these sessions. He never quite took to meditation but he tried. For her, he tried. Perhaps, it wasn't solitude she sought, but merely true companionship. The presense of a close friend. John. Of all the people surrounding her since she had lost two of her teammates, her team leader had not shown himself to her since the services. Every time she had spotted him over the last few days, he'd avoided her. Either he'd turn and go in the opposite direction or mumble something about being busy and brush passed her.

She thought about going to visit her people for a time. To take comfort in them. But, even though he was dodging her, she couldn't bring herself to leave John alone. Not when they were all that was left of their team. Still, she needed comfort as well. She needed a friendly face. With the loss of her friends she was, not for the first time, unsure of her place in Atlantis. Would they find replacements for Ronon and Rodney? And simply continue on as they always had? Would John want to go back through the gate? Would she? Without them? But, what else could she do? She was of two worlds now. She could not just return to live among her people like she had before John Sheppard had come into her life. Nor could she simply live on Atlantis without any purpose. Without any fight. Giving up on meditation for now, she made her way to the infirmary. 

Carson was alone at his desk. Teyla observed him for a moment as he sat at his monitor. He looked tired. He rubbed his eyes and stifled a yawn. She gave a small knock to alert him to her presence. He smiled when he saw her.

"Teyla, what can I do for you, love?"

"I just needed to see a familiar face," she explained.

"Well, I'm finished here. Would you like to take a walk with me?"

"I would enjoy that very much."

Carson stood from his work station and placed a gentle hand on her back as they made their way down the corridor.

"I'm so sorry I haven't seen you much. It's been a rough week," said Carson.

Teyla nodded in agreement, "for all of us."

Carson frowned and stopped her. They turned to face each other.

"How are you, Teyla? Honestly?"

The earnestness in his voice nearly undid her. His eyes shone bright with concern and she wilted against him.

"It has been very difficult. I have lost many people in my life. I have become far too accustomed to the sting of it. But, this is different. I have never felt quite this alone before."

"Have you spoken to Colonel Sheppard?"

Teyla shook her head and pulled back.

"I have barely seen Colonel Sheppard since the funerals. I know he is hurting too but I do not know how to reach him. I do not know why he is creating this distance between us."

"Perhaps he needs to be alone to lick his wounds."

"He is not an animal, Carson," Teyla gave him a sharp look.

"No, I suppose not. I'm sorry. It's just that..."

"What?"

"I had to do their bloody autopsies," he looked as if the memory was pulling him apart. He shuddered and shrank into himself.

Her gaze softened and she lowered her face. Carson was only trying to help. But, this loneliness was becoming too much. She had been walking around like a ghost and she wanted to feel alive again. The only way to survive this pain was to face it and John was refusing to meet her halfway.

"I know how much he loved Rodney. I know what they were to each other. And Ronon. Their bond meant a great deal to him. But, he cannot continue to suffer alone. Nor can I."

"You are not alone. I can promise you that, love."

She smiled at him. Feeling a bit more spirited than she had since she last stepped through the gate with her team still intact, she knew what she had to do. 

"Thank you, Carson."

"Anytime."

Maybe it was her imagination, but she thought Carson looked a little less burdened too as she turned away from him.

 

****

John found himself walking a familiar route. The one he always ran with Ronon. He hadn't meant to come this way. He wasn't even sure how he got there. It wasn't easy to both avoid his quarters and avoid people. The pain of missing Rodney dulled slightly outside of the place they had lived together. But, sharpened all over again with each pitying look thrown his way.

Keeping his steady pace, he saw Ronon everywhere. Running circles around him. Giving him his teasing smile and playfully taunting him about getting too old to keep up. He'd gone running with him that morning. The last morning Ronon had been alive. He'd snuck out of bed as quietly as possible so he wouldn't wake up Rodney. He and Ronon wanted to get an early start before the mission. Ronon always liked to get his adrenaline pumping before going through the gate. He said it helped him stay alert. Those runs always kept him sharp too. Got him focused. Just one more thing he missed.

He prepared for another agonizingly sleepless night in the too empty bed. When he stepped inside, he found the bed wasn't empty after all. Teyla was sitting on the edge. She looked tense but determined. He thought about running but it would only be delaying the inevitable. He had to face her now or risk losing her forever. Then he really would be alone. Atlantis wouldn't feel like home anymore.

"Hey, Teyla," he whispered.

"John," she acknowledged as she stood. She walked toward him, stopping in front of him. She always made herself look so tall. He forced himself to keep eye contact with her.

"You have been avoiding me."

"No! I haven't. I've been busy," he lied.

Teyla crossed her arms. He knew he wouldn't be able to lie to her. Even at the best of times, she could see through him.

"You are not the only one who has lost them," she said. He had a horrible feeling that she might cry. And an even worse feeling that he might.

"I know that. I just need some time. It's hard Teyla."

She nodded encouragingly. She placed her hands on his shoulders. He savored the warmth of her as she gently rubbed her thumbs up in small circles across his sleeves. It had been days since anyone had touched him.

"Go on. Tell me," she said.

Teyla had always been the one who was able to get the words out of him. Force him to confront what he was feeling and give it a voice.

"It's hard enough being here. I can see them everywhere. And when I look at you, I just..."

"You see them more," she finished. He nodded stiffly.

"But, it's more than that. It's the same reason I didn't go back to Earth and face Jeannie myself. I couldn't see her find out her brother was dead and know that it was my fault. I don't want to see how much she's hurting. I don't want to see how much you're hurting. I look at you and I see that they're gone and I should have stopped it. And I can't leave. But, it hurts to stay."

The words poured out of him under the weight of her gaze. Her eyes were beginning to shine. His own eyes were watery and he scrubbed a hand over them in a desperate attempt to keep the tears away. He'd made it this long without crying. He didn't want to start now. He didn't deserve Teyla's comfort.

John started as soft lips met his. Teyla's hands slid up to hold his face. He stared at her in surprise.

"It was not your fault. They would not blame you. We were ambushed. None of us saw it coming. They ensured that we escaped with our lives. They would not want us to squander their last gift to us."

He dropped his head.

"John, do not make me lose you too. Please."

He found her lips again. Tentative. Asking her if this was all right. If this was what she wanted. She parted her lips and kissed him back. His hand came up to hold the back of her head. His rough fingers threaded through her honey colored hair. The tension that had plagued his body since he and Teyla had returned to Atlantis without their teammates began to drain out of him as Teyla's hands explored his back. She pressed closer to him until they were tight against each other.

The fog around him seemed to lift as their kiss deepened. It was as if his heart started beating again. He was coming back to life, if only for a night. Teyla abruptly pulled back. 

Tears were sliding down her face. "What is it," John whispered.

She gave a humorless smile. "Are you certain, John? We do not have to do this."

He gently pulled her face toward his and kissed her tears, tasting the salt on her skin.

"If you don't want to, just say the word. We'll stop the whole thing and never mention it again."

Teyla bit her lip. Then leaned in close to whisper in his ear. "Do not stop." He backed them up to the bed and he lowered her to the mattress. He didn't let himself think about how it was Rodney's prescription mattress. He pulled his shirt over his head as he crawled over her, balancing on his hands while she placed butterfly kisses on his chest and his stomach.

He let a hand drift down to her thigh. He squeezed and rubbed up along her leg. She shivered and his hand disappeared under her skirt. Teyla leaned back and took her own shirt off. She cupped his cheek and led him down to her breasts. He ran his tongue over her hard nipple. She moaned in pleasure. He found her wet and waiting for him as his fingers slipped inside her. Her hips rose off the bed. Delicate fingers dug into his taut biceps. Her hips touched his and she smiled.

"What," he asked, breathless.

"It seems you are ready for me," she said with a teasing glint in her eye. He gave a surprised bark of laughter. The first time he'd laughed since he'd lost half of his team. He sealed his mouth over hers again. She drew him closer. He quickly pulled off his pants and she slid off her skirt. She wrapped her legs around him and before he knew it, she had him flat on his back on the mattress and she was on top of him. 

It surprised him, how well they fit together. How easy it was to forget the pain and the fog and just live in this moment with Teyla. He shifted slightly and then he was inside her. She softly gasped and raked her hands over his chest. John kept gaze as she rocked against him. His eyes blurred with unshed tears. A sheen of sweat shimmered on her body as she moved, as sure in this as she always was when they sparred.

"Teyla, I...," he trailed off. Unsure of how to finish his thought, he swallowed. She gave him a sympathetic look and leaned down to brush her lips against his.

"Shh," she soothed.

She tossed her head back. John thrust against her and pleasure registered on her face. "John," she moaned and with a soft cry, he let go. Gasping, he pulled her down until she collapsed on top of him. She laid her head on his chest and listened to his heartbeat slow. 

"Shall I leave you now," she asked. She looked into his eyes. There was a flash of something like hurt and panic. He shook his head. She nodded and slid off his chest to curl up beside him. He wrapped an arm around her shoulder and placed a kiss on top of her head.

"Stay," he mumbled. He was half pulled under in sleep. His eyes drifted shut.

"I will," she promised.

 

****

They had a clear shot at the gate. John and Teyla were running out in front. Rodney was half running and half trying to get his tablet to activate the drones the planet had placed near the stargate. Ronon was covering him. Teyla remembered dialing the gate and watching as the wormhole opened. The rebels kept firing on them. 

"Rodney, Ronon, let's go," John shouted.

Teyla turned back. The rebels were closing in. In a moment, they would be completely surrounded.

"We must hurry!" John started back toward Ronon and Rodney, firing his P90 all the while. Before he could get to them, another group of rebels swooped down from the trees. They stood with murder in their eyes, between John and his two teammates. They drew their weapons and aimed them square at Teyla and John. Teyla fired, trying to clear a way so that Ronon and Rodney could make it to the gate.

She saw Rodney's face change as he realized what was happening. The mild concern melted into deep fear. Ronon snarled and shot at the group separating them. "Go," he yelled.

Teyla shook her head. "We're not leaving you two," John replied. He tried to surge forward but Teyla held him back. Resignation and then determination filled Ronon and Rodney.

"If you don't get through the gate right now, you won't go at all. Now get out of here," McKay screamed.

Ronon ran forward, tackling one of the rebels. Others swarmed him, while a few kept advancing on Teyla and John. Rodney dropped his tablet and picked up a rock.

"Hey, over here," he said as he threw the stone at the biggest rebel. It his him in the shoulder. That got his attention. He slowly turned and focused on Rodney. Teyla wanted to run for him, do anything to protect him and help Ronon but they were still taking fire. She turned to see another group of rebels running for them beyond the gate. She tugged at John's arm. 

"We must go," her eyes pleaded with him to understand. If they stayed, they would all die. He numbly allowed her to pull him through the gate, eyes on his lover and his friend the whole time. The last thing she saw was Rodney fall before she stepped through the event horizon.

 

****

 

Teyla gazed up at the ceiling of John's room. Playing back those moments as she had done a thousand times. Wondering what she could have done differently. Wishing to go back and change it. By the time they had assembled a team of marines and a jumper and went back to the planet, Rodney and Ronon were dead on the grass. Discarded like trash. The rebels had fled the planet and they had been unable to track them. Sheppard tried to remain stoic, but Teyla had seen how he was barely hanging on. The slightest push would send him kareening over the edge. John had insisted on carrying them back to the jumper himself. First Rodney and then going back for Ronon. No one interfered. He wouldn't even let anyone else fly them back home. Teyla had sat with the bodies in the back, holding their hands, and whispering to them.

Her thoughts turned back to the present. She turned to look at John. He was still asleep beside her. She considered leaving. Silently stealing away before the city began to buzz with its daily activity. Before anyone saw her. But, she looked at his face and saw the pained lines smooth away with a rest that he hadn't allowed himself until now. She didn't want to accidentally wake him. He shifted in his sleep. His arm draped over her. His loose fingers brushed against her breast. Nothing had changed. Her feelings for John were the same as they ever were. Of course she loved him. She respected him. He was her friend. Maybe the closest friend she had ever had. But, that was all. Nothing beyond that. She was also not arrogant enough to believe one night with her had changed John's feelings either. He would give his life for her and he valued her more than any other aside from the other two fallen members of their team. Of this she was certain. Still, she feared what last night meant for them. Each of them had enough turmoil without adding this into the mix. Teyla was always happy to be honest and open with John, but she knew that he struggled to express his emotions. 

She decided that right when he woke up was not the time for either of them to attempt to have a conversation about it. She gently lifted his arm and climbed off the bed, placing his arm back on the crumpled sheets. She dressed as quickly and quietly as she could. She turned back and leaned over him to kiss his brow. He stirred but did not awaken. With that, she left.

 

****

John found her in the gym. She was sparring with a young marine. He watched her graceful movements. She deftly avoided every shot the marine took. The man was getting tired. He was breathing heavily, but he wouldn't quit. Teyla took pity on him and swept his legs out from under him, leaving him flat and panting on the mat. She held out a hand to help the poor guy up.

She pulled him up and the man noticed him for the first time. He stood at attention. "Colonel."

Teyla turned in surprise. To her credit, she didn't avoid his gaze. "I did not know you were there, Colonel."

John smiled, "she giving you a hard time," he asked the marine.

"Yes sir. She's teaching me a lot."

"Do you mind if Teyla and I have a word in private," he asked.

"Not at all, sir. I'm not sure how many more ass kickings I can take in one morning," he chuckled.

Teyla smiled, "You did very well, Geoffrey."

"Thanks. Sir," he acknowledged. John nodded to him as the young man left the room.

John's smile dropped once they were alone. Teyla waited patiently for him to say the first words. He cleared his throat and looked down at his shoes, noting her bare feet across from his.

"You, uh, you were gone this morning." He cursed himself over how needy and pathetic he sounded. But, she didn't regard him with pity.

"I thought it was best if we both had some time for ourselves to think it over," she answered.

"Think it over," he mumbled. "Okay, so last night was..." he trailed off.

She held up a hand, "it was a release. One that was much needed. I do not regret it."

"You don't? Well, that's great. I mean, I don't either. I just don't want there to be any, um, misunderstandings between us." He was starting to get that strained look on his face. The one he always got when he tried to speak about his feelings for more than a few seconds.

"Of course not," she agreed. "Between us, nothing need change. We are a team. We are a family. As we have always been."

John had a small relieved smile start to cross his face when the radio crackled in his ear. "John," Elizabeth's voice came through the static.

"Go ahead," he replied.

"I'd like you and Teyla to report to my office. We have some things to discuss." John and Teyla exchanged a look. That didn't sound promising. 

"Teyla's with me. We'll be right there."

They walked comfortably together toward Elizabeth's office. The only nerves came from not knowing what Elizabeth wanted to see them about. Although, John thought he had a pretty good idea and he wasn't sure he was ready for it. Part of him wanted to reach for Teyla's hand and present themselves as a united front to Elizabeth, but somehow he thought that might make things worse.

Elizabeth was at her desk, lips pursed, when Teyla knocked.

"Good. You're both here. Please have a seat," she gestured to the chairs opposite her desk.

Teyla complied but John merely closed the door and leaned against it. He crossed his arms and braced himself.

"John, sit down," Elizabeth repeated. 

John shrugged his shoulders, "I'm good right here."

"John," Teyla chided. She gave him a sharp look.

"Colonel Sheppard," Elizabeth echoed.

John surrendered and took the seat next to Teyla. He kept his arms firmly crossed.

Elizabeth took a deep breath. "We need to talk about the future of your team. I understand what a difficult time this is for you, for all of us, but I can't keep you on base indefinitely. Teyla, obviously you are free to do as you wish-."

"I wish to remain on Colonel Sheppard's team," she interrupted.

"Very well. The two of you can't go out on missions by yourselves. It's time to start thinking about replacements."

Silence hung heavy in the air. Teyla looked to John. John's hands clenched into fists. His eyes burned with anger. "It hasn't even been a month."

"I'm not trying to rush you. No one expects you to step through the gate tomorrow. I just need you to start looking at who you might want on your team."

John scoffed. There were only two other people he wanted on his team and she knew it. All he wanted was Rodney and Ronon. He didn't want to go through the gate without them. But, he knew he had no choice. It was resume business as usual as soon as possible or be shipped back to Earth. If that happened, he really would have nothing left.

John stood, "all right. I'll think it over. And Teyla and I we'll, uh, talk about it and get back to you."

He opened the door and held it for Teyla. Teyla looked briefly at Elizabeth. She offered her a smile before standing to join John.

Elizabeth's voice stopped them both short. "John! I can't let this go forever. I need you to take this seriously."

John led Teyla away.

 

****

After that John spent his nights with Teyla. They didn't have sex again. They'd both agreed that it was a one time thing and it was best if it didn't repeat itself. But, he found it easier to sleep in Teyla's quarters than his own. At least with her, he wasn't constantly surrounded by the ghost of Rodney. He slept on her couch. She'd offered him the bed but he'd refused. He was already putting her out and he didn't want to kick her out of her own bed When he'd said that, she had merely smiled and told him that letting him stay was for her benefit as well.

In the end, they'd chosen Zelenka and a Lt. on his first rotation to the city, named Brewer. Their first mission back was a light one. Zelenka had noticed a pretty strong energy reading on an uninhabited planet. They'd have to take a jumper but it seemed straight forward enough. Of course, John had been in the Pegasus Galaxy long enough to know that nothing was ever really straight forward. He had the scars to prove it, both seen and unseen. The ride was smooth as they soared over a thick jungle to the source of the energy. John set the jumper down in a clearing. Brewer and Zelenka prepared to head out when John approached Teyla as she was grabbing her pack.

"Uh, why don't you stay here and guard the jumper."

She gaped at him. "Excuse me."

"You know, just in case of uh, you know."

"No, I do not know. I am coming with you," she argued.

"I want you to stay here. In case something goes wrong. We'll need someone who can get us back up," John tried to reason. Teyla saw right through it. 

"I cannot fly the jumper. Perhaps you should say." Her voice was getting sharper now. Zelenka and Brewer exchanged an awkward look.

"Well, you can radio Atlantis if we're not back in..." he looked to Radek to finish his sentence.

"Uh, no more than an hour, I should think," he helpfully supplied. Teyla shot him a glare. He looked down, appropriately chastised.

"There you go. One hour," he said forcefully. He desperately just wanted her to drop the issue and do as he told her. He should have known better.

"John, we are not finished here."

"I think I'll just go...outside," said Zelenka as he rushed out the back with Brewer hot on his heels.

"Look, don't make me order you to do it."

"If I am to remain in the jumper, then why am I here at all? I am of no use to simply stay here. I am useful out there with you."

She was right, of course. He knew that. He hadn't even planned to keep her in the jumper. But, once they'd touched down and opened up to see the outside of a new, unknown planet, something inside of him had panicked. And he just didn't want her feet to touch alien soil. Not when he didn't know, couldn't truly know, what was out there and if it was safe.

"Please," he whispered. "Just this once. I can't risk you, okay?" He kept his voice low and pleading. She studied him for a moment before finally nodding.

"Just this once and we will talk about this when we return to Atlantis," she warned.

Relief washed over him. "Thanks," he said as he scurried out to join Zelenka and Brewer. She sat back in her seat and waited.

The hour only turned out to be 20 minutes. The energy source was coming from the rocks on the planet. Rocks that were too deeply embedded to get to on their own. They'd have to come back with a larger team and the right equipment later. John didn't think it was really a job for his team anymore. But, if Zelenka wanted to come back with Lorne, he had no objections.

Teyla was silent the whole trip back and all through the briefing with Elizabeth too. She pointedly ignored John until they were alone. She grabbed him in the hallway as soon as Elizabeth dismissed them.

"That cannot happen again," she said.

"Teyla," he began. She didn't let him finish.

"I joined you to help defeat the Wraith. I will not come along to be pushed aside and left behind. I will not be treated like a child who needs protection. I chose to be here. I still choose to be here but only if I am allowed to help."

"I know, okay? I know. It's just that I...can't risk you. I failed before and I lost Rodney and Ronon. I can't lose you too. I'll have nothing left."

"Do you think that you are the only one with these fears? Do you think I do not worry about you? We must look after each other. That is what a team does. That has not changed."

John looked away from her. It seemed like either choice could lead to losing Teyla. She looked as if she might say more when her face suddenly changed. She took on a sickly green color.

"Teyla, what's wrong?"

She swallowed. "Nothing. I am fine."

He reached for her, but she stepped back.

"Teyla, you're sick."

"No. It is nothing. Perhaps something I ate." Even as she spoke, a wave of dizziness washed over her and she leaned back against the wall. John grabbed her shoulder to steady her.

"Come on. You're going to see Carson."

"That is unneccessary," but she followed him to the infirmary anyway.

 

****

 

Teyla finished emptying the contents of her stomach in the bucket that Carson had given her. John stroked her back as the last of the tremors shook her small frame. Teyla wiped her mouth and took a deep breath as John helped her lay back on the bed.

"You okay," he asked.

"Better now that that is over," she smiled. John smiled back but it didn't reach his eyes. He tried not to worry. This was most likely nothing. Still, John couldn't help but think that this would end up being another blow to him. That something might be seriously wrong with Teyla. She placed her hand on his.

At last Caron came back. He didn't look overly concerned but he did look like he had something important to say.

"Teyla, perhaps we should discuss what I found in private."

John's heart went straight to his throat. Teyla's face flashed with worry but she masked it quickly.

"What you have to say, Carson, you may say in front of Colonel Sheppard."

Carson looked conflicted between them but nodded anyway. "Very well. I ran a blood test and it looks like you're pregnant."

John's mouth dropped open. Teyla stared at Carson like he'd just grown a second head.

"What," she finally broke the silence.

"I'm not certain how far along yet but I would guess only about a month."

"Yeah, that tracks," John mumbled to himself.

"I'll run some more tests to see that everything is going smoothly but after that, I'll release you back to your quarters. We can discuss some options as well. I don't know if you'll want to speak to the father."

John and Teyla exchanged a look. "He knows," said Teyla.

Carson looked from one to the other. "Oh, I see. Well, perhaps I should give you a moment to talk."

"Thank you, Carson," said Teyla. Carson backed out of the room.

"Well," John began brightly. "At least you're not sick."

Teyla didn't respond. She looked down at her flat stomach and placed her hands on it. 

"Amazing," she said.

"Yeah. I guess. What, uh, what do you want to do about it?"

"I do not know. I am...processing. This is unexpected."

"You're telling me." John sighed and pressed his palms to his eyes to clear his thoughts. Teyla was pregnant. He was the father. Ronon was dead. Rodney was dead. John didn't know what Teyla was thinking. What if she didn't want the baby? What if she decided to go back to New Athos and raise the child their among her own people? Did John even want the child? What would Elizabeth say? Would she force John to assign Teyla to a different gate team? Wait. Teyla couldn't go on missions now. It was too dangerous. He stopped himself. One step at a time.

"First off, I'm taking you out of the field."

Teyla stiffened but did not protest. "Yes. That would be wise."

John stepped around to face her. He kneeled in front of her. "Listen, I'm not so good at...what I mean is, whatever you want, I'll do. Whatever you decide, I'm onboard."

She squeezed his hands. "Thank you."

 

****

 

John laid on his own bed for the first time in weeks. Teyla had asked for some space for the night and he kind of needed some too. He wanted to speak to Rodney. He could just imagine what he'd have to say. 

"Oh good going, Captain Kirk. I can't believe how you could do something so stupid. Bad enough you can't control yourself when we're off world, but in the city too? With Teyla? 

John smiled at the thought. He burried his face in the pillow and inhaled deeply. He tried to find Rodney's scent. It was still there but it was fading. Soon it would be gone completely and it would be one more piece of Rodney he'd lose. He curled in on himself and tried to clear his mind. He remembered plenty of nights when he'd fallen asleep here by himself when he'd been unable to persuade Rodney to call it a night and drag him away from his lab. Because he'd known then that no matter what, Rodney would come stumbling in around 3 or 4, tripping over furniture in the dark. He'd always come to bed and wrap himself around John. Without fail. For a while, John thought he'd had a complete family. He allowed himself to relax and take for granted the fact that he had his team with him and that he'd end every night with Rodney. He let his guard down and it had cost him nearly everything. 

Teyla was all that was left. And he felt like he'd pretty much messed that up too. After Nancy, all thoughts of ever having kids left his mind. It just wasn't in the cards for him and he was okay with that. Besides, any kid deserved a better father than he could be. But, he wasn't about to abandon Teyla, no matter what she decided. He owed her too much. He cared for her too much.

Not too far away, Teyla was sorting out her own thoughts. She stretched over the mat on the floor, trying to ease the tension in her body. A new life changed everything. She'd wanted John to keep her involved on the team but now she would not be able to go into the field until the child was born. And after that, would she be able to return? Athosian women never gave up or changed who they were once they became mothers. She did not want to change either. Life had already changed enough. Knowing that she and John could be killed as quickly as Ronon and Rodney were was something to consider. She did not want to deprive their child of parents. She had seen too many Athosian orphans in her time.

The one thing she knew is that she wanted this child. She hoped that John felt the same. Promises of being in her corner meant a great deal to her but they were not the same as stating what he wanted. It was strange. She didn't expect to feel so full. The loneliness she had been feeling was tempered somewhat with the knowledge that she carried a child within her. Despite the troubles that plagued her, she fell asleep with a small smile on her face and hope for the future.

 

****

 

John found her sitting barefoot on one of the piers. The sun was warm in spite of the strong breeze. She looked serene. She was glowing. The reflection of the water dancing on her skin. He took a seat next to her and took off his own shoes and socks.

"How's the morning sickness," he asked.

"I am afraid that it is not limited to the mornings."

He winced in sympathy. "Sorry."

"It is not unbearable."

John twiddled his fingers. He tried not to let his nerves get the better of him. They needed to have a conversation. 

"So, listen, I think I know what you're thinking," he began.

Teyla raised an eyebrow at him, a mixture of teasing and amusement.

"Okay, no I don't. Tell me what you're thinking."

Teyla turned toward him, pulling her legs back from the side of the pier and crossing them. He mimicked her position. She took his hands in hers.

"John, I am thinking about the night we came together. It was in our shared grief that we joined. It was our effort to hold on to each other. That is how this child was conceived. In love. Perhaps not the traditional kind, but a love none the less. And not just between you and I. But, between all four of us. I would like to think that makes the child all of ours. Yours, mine, Rodney's, and Ronon's. And what greater gift could there be?"

John tried to process all that she had said. He'd been thinking less of the baby and more about Teyla. And now it seemed as if she..."so you want to keep it?"

"Yes, I do."

"Okay. So, we're doing this then," his resolve fell into place.

"John, is this what you want?"

"I want...my family back," he answered honestly.

She bowed her forehead to his. "As do I."

 

****

 

The months passed quickly. Soon, they were at 37 weeks. Teyla was off active duty, but she kept herself busy. She went to the gym, had Zelenka teach her a bit about Atlantis' systems, readied a nursery. She had taken John to New Athos twice. He was pleased at the way she lit up when she was with her people. And he could spot the relief in her eyes when they supported her pregnancy and decision to stay on Atlantis. John made sure Carson watched her like a hawk. No matter how many times he assured them that the pregnancy was going along just fine, John couldn't help but be on edge. Getting ready for the baby was nearly all he had time for in between missions. It was good to keep busy. It kept his mind off of other things.

At least it did for a while. Until he and Teyla had officially decided to move in together. Even though they weren't a couple, it seemed silly to have him living in a different part of the city, away from her and their child. It had been his idea, so why was he sitting in the middle of his old place, packing his things and feeling a melancholy he had been trying so hard to push down.

Because he was doing it. He was finally packing away Rodney's things. It didn't matter that he'd barely spent any time here since his death, he still knew everything was there. Everything was still in its rightful place. It had been something to hold on to. And now he was putting it all away. Well, almost all of it. He had set one box aside for items he wanted to keep. Items he could not part with. A couple of notebooks with Rodney's furious scribblings as he couldn't make the pen keep up with his mind. His favorite coffee mug. That stupid 'I'm with Genius' shirt. A framed photograph of the team, standing in front of the gate. Another, smaller photo of just him and Rodney outside a puddlejumper in the underwater bay. Rodney's gun. Nobody would ever accuse him of being a great shot or any kind of a decent fighter, but at least he had tried. He had always tried. He taped the box shut and took great care as he wrote out 'Rodney' on the top with a black sharpie. He took a gentle hand and smoothed over the name.

He squeezed his eyes shut against the tears that threatened to escape. A painful lump formed in his throat. He was suddenly exhausted. He laid his head on top of the brown cardboard and his shoulders finally started to shake. Months of holding back had taken their toll on him.

"I'm sorry," he whispered brokenly. "Rodney. Ronon. I'm so sorry."

The pain overwhelmed him in a way that it hadn't since those first few awful days. He sank in a heap onto his side. He was tired. Tired of missing people. Tired of grieving for people he had failed to save. Tired of finding people to love only to lose them. His mother, Holland, Ford, Ronon, and Rodney. All of them were gone. He let his silent grief pour from him until he finally fell asleep.

 

****

 

Teyla stretched her arms toward her legs as far as she could without her growing belly getting in the way. It was getting more and more difficult. She wanted to stay as active as she could. She leaned back, propping herself up on the floor with her hands. John watched her from one of the benches.

"How ya doing down there," he asked.

She couldn't help the smile that crossed her face. "I am fine."

"We could call it a day. You don't want to overdo it," he handed her a water bottle. She gratefully accepted it.

"I do not believe that I am. My feet and hands are swelling. I need to keep blood flowing."

John shrugged. "Swelling's a part of it. That's what Carson said, anyway."

"Yes, but this feels...excessive," she said as she flexed her hands in front of her face. They were swollen. More so than yesterday. John made a note to double check with Carson about it the next time he saw him. Teyla pressed a palm to her forehead.

"You still got that headache? It's been a few days now."

"Mmmm, yes. It is still causing some discomfort."

"Well, I'm gonna call time on this one. Let's get you to bed." He reached for her hand and pulled her to her feet.

She instantly swayed. John's arms shot up around her. "Teyla? Teyla, what is it?"

Teyla tried focusing her eyes but the room was blurred. She wanted to respond to John but she suddenly lost all of her strength. She moved to take a step but collapsed instead. John caught her and lowered her to the ground. He moved to feel for a pulse. It was there and still strong. Keeping one hand on her stomach, he reached for is radio. 

"Medical team to the gym! Now!"

"We're on our way," Carson's all business voice crackled.

"Teyla? Come on. Wake up." He tapped her cheek. She didn't respond. He used his free hand brush her bangs out of her face. "Just hang on. Hang on." He felt the baby give a little kick. "Yeah, you too kid."

 

****

 

Carson remembered the day they lost Ronon and Rodney. He remembered it too vividly for his liking. Details in the days before and the days after had faded but it was with constant and striking clarity that he could still see the hours after Lorne had radioed Carson and told him that they had two bodies coming his way. His feet felt like lead as he approached the two covered gurneys. John stood stiff as a board between them. He had that carefully practiced bland mask in place, desperately trying not to allow his emotions to betray him. Teyla stood behind in the doorway.

"I-," he had to clear his throat, "I'll take them from here Colonel."

John nodded jerkily. His fists clenched tightly at his sides. Carson could see the pulse at his neck beating rapidly. He wanted to have better words to offer him and Teyla but he was still to shocked to say anything else. John turned and motioned for Teyla to join him and they left together.

Carson took a shuddering breath before pulling down the sheets that covered his friends. That peaceful look that everyone spoke about. That look of just sleeping. That was all bullshit. They didn't look peaceful. Carson could tell that Ronon had fought with his last breath. He still looked defiant. His chest was covered in his own dried blood. The one thing he did look was young. Every bit as young as he really was. Carson thought it unfair that Ronon had suffered so much in his short life and that even in the end had not been able to find the peace that he sought.

He turned to Rodney. His head was bent at an unnatural angle. It was obvious that his neck was broken. His skin was gray, lips blue. The man was too still. Carson had to turn away. Rodney had been all jitters and energy in life. It wasn't right to see him like this. His fingers lay loosely curled toward him palm. Carson gave them a small squeeze. They were cold to the touch. Carson shut his eyes and said a quick prayer that he remembered his mother saying after his grandfather had passed away. Then he pulled himself together as best as he could and got to work.

He didn't like to think about the autopsies themselves. He supposed he could have and should have had someone else do them. But, at the time, it felt like the last thing he could do for them. Before his memories could take him further away, John's panicked voice cried out, "Medical team to the gym! Now!" And Carson was on his feet.

 

****

 

John listened to the steady reassuring beeps of the monitor. Two different rhythms. One for Teyla. One for the baby. As long as they kept beating, John could keep himself calm. Carson had run some tests but John didn't have any answers yet. And Teyla hadn't woken up. He shouldn't have let himself relax. Things had been going too well. They were so close to the end of her pregnancy. John thought they were home free.

"We have been here before," Teyla's weak voice filled the silence. John's head shot up. Teyla's eyes were barely open but she managed to reach for his hand. He gripped her tightly, so she'd understand that he was there.

"Too many times," he agreed.

"The baby?"

John patted her stomach. "Baby's still hanging in there. We got a tough kid. I'm still waiting on Carson but don't worry. Okay? You're gonna be fine."

She smiled up at him. She did not want him to see her concern as his was written so plainly on his face.

"Teyla, how are you feeling love," Carson entered the room. His eyes were grim even though he tried to hide it.

"Carson, what is happening," she asked, ignoring his question. "Is something wrong with our child?"

Carson sighed. "You've got a condition called preeclampsia. It's causing your blood vessels to constrict, which is making it difficult to for blood flow to get to your organs, including your uterus. It also causes fluids to leak into tissues and that's what is causing your swelling. It's dangerous to you and the baby."

Teyla tightened her hold on John's hand. "So, what do we do about it," John asked.

"Since you're at 37 weeks, I think it would be best if we induced you now."

John's head was spinning, "like RIGHT now?"

"Aye. The baby's developed enough that there's minimal risk to her if she's delivered now. And the longer we wait, the more opportunity for complications to arise. I believe this is the best course of action, Colonel."

"Teyla, you up for it," John turned his attention back to her.

She was staring down at her belly. She watched it slowly rise with another kick of her child. She looked from John to Carson. "Yes. I am ready."

Carson nodded. "We'll take good care of you and the wee one. I can promise you that."

He turned to leave when Teyla's voice stopped him. "Carson. It is a girl?"

"Yes."

Teyla smiled. John kept worried eyes on his family.

 

****

 

"You're doing great. Give us another push," Carson encouraged. Teyla was panting heavily. John pressed a cool cloth to her face. Her sweat soaked bangs were stuck to her forehead. She gritted her teeth and bared down, pushing again.

Carson counted off, "one, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten. All right, take a breath."

She let go and fell back against the mattress. John rubbed her shoulder from his spot next to her.

"Carson, how are we doing," he asked.

"She's almost there."

"You have said that quite a few times now," Teyla gasped.

John choked on a laugh. "Just keep hanging in there. It'll be over soon," he said.

"I mean it this time," Carson said. "She's crowning now. A couple more big pushes and we'll have a little one."

Carson eyed the monitor warily. Teyla's blood pressure was much higher than he wanted. But, the baby was too close to do a c-section now. He had no choice but to finish delivering naturally and then work on getting Teyla's blood pressure under control.

For her part, Teyla had never felt exhaustion like she was feeling now. She did not know it was possible. She could feel herself growing weaker with every push. Her pain draining her energy but not her resolve. She was bringing this child into the world. The first child born of Atlantis in generations. A child of two galaxies, of many worlds, and belonging to her. Her and John. She barely heard Carson's next order to push over the white noise buzzing in her ears.

She braced herself against John, drew all her energy and pushed. 

"She's coming. She's coming. You're almost there. You're doing so good," John was babbling now. Teyla was weakening. He could feel it. He looked down at Carson. One moment there was nothing and the next a tiny, wriggling, screaming baby was in his hands.

John blinked at the child. His child. Carson looked up at him with a grin. "She looks good." 

John couldn't look away from her. "You did it. Teyla, you did it." Teyla wasn't looking at their daughter though. Teyla didn't seem to be looking at anything. "Teyla? Carson!"

Teyla's eyes rolled back in her head. Her body went rigid for a moment and then started to convulse. Carson passed the baby off to a nurse and moved up toward Teyla. 

"Okay, she's having a seizure. Colonel, you'll have to leave."

Machines went wild with alarms screaming in his ears. The baby had been taken out of the room and Teyla was still seizing. John's heart was in his throat. His mouth was full of cotton.

"No, I'm not leaving. Is she gonna be all right? Talk to me."

"John! I need room to work. We're doing everything we can. You need to wait outside." John was shoved back out of the way by nurses and doctors rushing around him. Someone shut the curtain, blocking his view of his family. Stunned, he collapsed back into a seat. Not now. Not again. Not like this. He couldn't lose Teyla.

 

****

 

John sat, twiddling his thumbs, in the infirmary. He had not seen his daughter or Teyla in four hours. Carson had assured him that the baby was fine and that they were doing everything they could for Teyla but he refused to elaborate. John let out a breath and laid his head in his hands.

"Damnit, Rodney, I wish you were here. Teyla's in rough shape. Everything was going fine. I was starting to feel...calm, again. Like, maybe life could go on. And now look. Here I am again. Losing someone I love again," he caught himself midstream when he saw Elizabeth approaching.

She sat next to him and had the grace to say nothing. She was merely there. A strong and silent presence. He latched onto it and was able to steady himself a little. At least he could hang on until he knew something for sure one way or the other about Teyla.

God, he wanted Rodney there. Not that Rodney was exactly good at comforting people. If Rodney were here, none of this would have happened. Teyla wouldn't be fighting for her life in the other room. John would still have everything and everyone where he needed them to be. Teyla and Ronon by his side and Rodney in his bed. Of course, there was a new life somewhere behind those doors too. A life that wouldn't be here if Rodney and Ronon were still alive. 

"What am I going to do," he asked. "I can't raise a kid alone on Atlantis. But, I can't take her back to Earth where she'll never know the Athosians. Teyla wouldn't want that."

"John, don't talk like she's gone. We don't know what's happening yet. Let's not worry about things that we don't have to yet," said Elizabeth.

"It's on me. All of them. Ford, Ronon, Rodney, and Teyla. They were my responsibility. My job, my most important job, was to protect them. So, why am I the only one still standing?"

His eyes were miserable and pleading. Elizabeth had no answer for him. Of course she didn't. There were no answers for that. John had tried his best and he'd still lost. People he cared about lost their lives while he continued on.

Elizabeth laid a hand on his shoulder. "Teyla's strong. How many times do you remind me of that."

John's lips quirked up slightly. "The strongest person I know."

 

****

 

Teyla woke in quite a different place then she last remembered. She was in a large bed in the middle of the forest. The sun hurt her eyes where it shone, brokenly, through the summer leaves hanging from branches. She lifted the soft sheets off of her and swung her feet off of the bed and onto the soft dirt. The forest was lush and green but strangely silent. She heard no birds singing, nor bugs chirping. 

"Hello," she called.

"Hey," a deep voice replied. She spun around to see Ronon's smiling face.

"Ronon," she gasped.

"You're gonna be okay."

"What is happening? Where am I? How are you here?"

"Hey. It's okay. It's all gonna be fine. You just need to wake up and go back to Sheppard. Okay?"

Teyla suddenly looked down at her flat stomach. "My child. What has happened?"

"You need to go back and find out. Take care of you family." He reached for her hand. She hesitated and then took it. Feeling his grip, she wrapped her arms around him tightly.

"I have missed you," she murmered. 

"Yeah, me too."

"It has not been easy to stay on Atlantis. I still believe that I am needed there to help with the fight. But, I feel like a stranger again. No one in the city is from our galaxy. No one truly understands the way that you did. John, he tries, and I know how much he cares and how much he hurts."

"Teyla, I know. But, you can't give up. So many people need you. I don't mean just Sheppard. Your people. You're their leader."

Teyla shook her head, "what about what I need?"

"What do you need?"

She pressed a hand against her eyes. "I do not know. I am so tired. In my weaker moments, I wish I had never come to Atlantis. I wish I had never met them. My people are no better off than they were before, afterall. And then I would not feel this unending grief. I would not have lost friends."

Ronon gently lifted her chin up, "but you wouldn't have made those friends either."

"Oh, come on Teyla," came a familiar second voice. Teyla looked behind Ronon to see Rodney standing there with an annoyed look on his face.

"We all know that you're not a quitter so don't talk like one. You're strong enough to get back up no matter what this galaxy of death throws at you."

Teyla smiled. Rodney offered her one in return, "now wake up. Sheppard needs you. And you need him."

Teyla closed her eyes and felt the forest melt away.

 

****

 

"My child." Teyla spoke before she even opened her eyes.

"Teyla, can you open your eyes for me?" That was Carson talking. She complied. Even though it hurt. She scanned the room for a baby, strained her ears for the sound of crying. There was nothing.

"My child," she repeated.

"The baby is perfectly healthy. But, you gave us all quite a scare." He made a quick examination of her. "Blood pressure is returning to normal. Pupils responding nicely. I'm going to keep you here a few extra days just to monitor you."

"May I see her?"

"Yes, of course. I'll send her right in."

True to his words, within five minutes John was entering her room with a small bundle carefully cradled in his arms. His grin nearly split his face in two when he saw her awake and waiting for them.

"Hey, Teyla. This little lady's been waiting to meet you all day."

Teyla held out her arms. "Well, then I should not keep her waiting any longer."

John placed the baby in her waiting arms. She looked down at the small face peeking out of the white blanket. The baby was gorgeous. Teyla brushed the dusting of honey colored hair off of her child's head. The baby cooed and burrowed deeper against her chest. Her little hand tried to grip at the edge of the blanket. Teyla's heart was beating wildly at the sight of her.

"I think she looks like you," said John. "Let's hope for all of our sake's she's got your personality too."

"I do not think it would be bad if she had a few of her father's traits."

"Oh, yeah?"

"Perhaps just one or two," Teyla teased.

John pulled up a chair near the head of the bed. He caressed the baby's cheek. For the first time in 24 hours, he felt like he could breathe again. Teyla had lived. Their child had lived. He could go on. The crushing weight on his shoulders was still there but perhaps it was lifting a little. Watching his daughter's chest rise and fall with each breath was making him feel a little lighter. 

"I dreamed," said Teyla, not taking her eyes off of the bundle in her arm.

"Yeah? About what?"

"Ronon. And Rodney."

John winced and his eyes darted away from hers. "That's probably normal. I wish they were here."

Teyla finally looked up. "I believe that they are. I believe they always have been. And they are at peace. They wish us to be as well."

Teyla could tell that John did not entirely believe her. Believe that what she had seen in her dream was real. She could still see the pain in his eyes every time their names were mentioned. Still, she had to tell him. They were team. They were family. Nothing changed that. He deserved to know that the man he loved was not gone from existence. Just out of his reach for now.

His hand still resting on the baby, she closed hers around his. 

"That's nice. I'd like to-. I hope they're, you know, okay. Wherever they are."

"Remember, this child belongs to all of us."

"Yeah. What should we call her?"

She raised an eyebrow at him. "Do you not have some idea?" 

She already knew. So did he. "Meredith," he began.

She nodded and added, "Ronon."

"Sheppard."

"Emmagan." 

"That's a mouthful," said John.

"She is strong. She can handle it," Teyla answered.

Teyla bowed her head. John leaned down to reach her. Their child yawned and closed her eyes between them. 

"Rest well, little Meredith. You are safe. You are loved."

Teyla handed Meredith back to John. He sat with her beside the bed. He was captivated by the sleeping girl he held. He was amazed by her. Teyla sighed contendedly and leaned back into the pillows. She knew where her place was. It was in the City of the Ancestors. It was through the Stargate, wherever it may lead her. It was with her family. It was right where she was.


End file.
